Twitter’s interface may look simple, but it is not, and its complexity has turned off many people who tried the service. —the Times

BASICS:

Written in the Stars. One popular function of Twitter is the ability to “favorite” a tweet, symbolized by a gold star. People use these stars in different ways—some people favorite, or “fav” (pronounced with a long A, like “fave”), tweets that they have enjoyed. Other people fav tweets that they, in fact, hated. Sometimes people use favorites as a reminder: “Read the link in this tweet later.” So don’t make too much of the stars. Like astrology, they have no relation to reality.

How Not to Hashtag: #Like #this. #Better #yet, #don’t #hashtag #anything. If you must hashtag, do it #ironically, and no matter how appealing it may be to think of a #JewishHorrorMovie, don’t participate in #hashtag #games. You’ll regret it when you wake up the next morning. #duh

Boo Humbug. You may think that changing your Twitter name to celebrate an upcoming holiday is a clever way of decorating your little corner of the Internet. It’s not. Carve a pumpkin if you’re feeling that festive, and leave the rest of us in peace.

Dot dot dot. When you only have a hundred and forty characters to express your smart take on the issues of the day every single one counts which is why you should never really use a period or a comma especially if you’re trying to seem super casual about things because it’s like just twitter but quotes are important because then people can’t accuse you of stealing jokes lol

Tweet About Things People Love to Read Tweets About. Perhaps you’re not sure when, exactly, you should be tweeting. Here are some ideas: while you’re in line for a pumpkin spice latte (#PSL) at Starbucks; during New York and/or Washington, D.C., weather and other natural events (rainstorms, snowstorms, the rare instance of barely perceptible seismic activity, all sunsets); at major sporting events; during the Oscars; during the season finale of “The Bachelor”; while watching C-SPAN. The best thing about Twitter is that you don’t even have to be watching or experiencing these events—you could be shut in a subterranean bunker with nothing but a Wi-Fi signal, and you’d still be able to participate in cultural moments on Twitter. No one will be the wiser. Most of the people on Twitter still don’t even know what twerking actually looks like.

Tweet a Little Tweet for Others. Tweeting is a social interaction, so of course there is a way to do it passive-aggressively. This is called the subtweet, and there is an art to it. The basic definition of a subtweet is a tweet about another user that doesn’t actually mention his or her (or its) “@” name. It is the online equivalent of being at a party with a bunch of friends and declaring to the room, “Gosh, Jessica, you decorated your apartment so nicely, unlike some people,” while rolling your eyes and gesturing with your thumb at Peter, who lives in a pillow fort in his mother’s basement. In other words, yes, that tweet is about you.

Twitter Is Weird. You may be scrolling down your feed, and all of a sudden you’ll realize that you don’t recognize your surroundings. In fact, some of the tweets you see may make you feel a little uncomfortable, and a little worried for your safety. You have stumbled into Weird Twitter. Stay calm. Don’t try to understand what it is or how you got here—just forget everything you’ve seen, and close the tab.

Don’t Try to Make a Parody Account Happen. Once you get used to tweeting about things, like scones and open letters to Miley Cyrus, a time may come when something huge happens, like a politician’s gaffe or a celebrity’s cute puppy or the birth of your firstborn, and you might think to yourself, “Wouldn’t it funny to set up an entire Twitter dedicated to tweeting in the voice of this person/animal/hurricane?” The answer is no, always no.

Go Directly to Jail. Twitter Jail is a real place where the Twitter Overlords throw people who create parody Twitter accounts, or who tweet too much about Twitter, or who simply tweet too much. No one is safe. More.

See: The New Yorker

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