May 17, 2004 15:26
20 yrs ago
1 viewer *
English term
how does it sound? ( the style of writting)
Non-PRO
English
Other
Poetry & Literature
social
the translation is aimed to be a written description of the documentary (on the ghetto) that is being produced.
"Cecille Landau:
Born in Hamburg, arrived at the £ódŸ ghetto along with her mother and sister. At the age of sixteen. The only one who miraculously survived. She had an encounter with Chaim Rumkowski. Now, she is an American writer. Lives in Berkeley. Knows a lot. "
my question: how do these sentences sound? should I use the personal pronouns all the time? I want to make the text more 'active'. We do not use pronouns in Polish to make it. How is that in English?
"Cecille Landau:
Born in Hamburg, arrived at the £ódŸ ghetto along with her mother and sister. At the age of sixteen. The only one who miraculously survived. She had an encounter with Chaim Rumkowski. Now, she is an American writer. Lives in Berkeley. Knows a lot. "
my question: how do these sentences sound? should I use the personal pronouns all the time? I want to make the text more 'active'. We do not use pronouns in Polish to make it. How is that in English?
Responses
2 hrs
Selected
Simple - It sounds like the voiceover of a noir film.
I don't know if the effect was intentional, but the effect is that of a 50's "Film-Noir" voiceover
4 KudoZ points awarded for this answer.
Comment: "and that was my question. if it sounds like that, good, very good."
+8
7 mins
Marian Greenfield
Native in English
&
English
Over 30 years in financial translation
Native in: English 
Works in: Spanish to English, Portuguese to English, English
Related KudoZ points
:
20
It's very choppy.
Here's a start:
Cecille Landau was born in Hamburg, and reached the £ódŸ ghetto atthe age of sixteen, along with her mother and sister. She was the only one who survived, and that she did was miraculous. She had an encounter with Chaim Rumkowski. Now, Ms. Landau is an American writer who lives in Berkeley. She knows a lot.
Cecille Landau was born in Hamburg, and reached the £ódŸ ghetto atthe age of sixteen, along with her mother and sister. She was the only one who survived, and that she did was miraculous. She had an encounter with Chaim Rumkowski. Now, Ms. Landau is an American writer who lives in Berkeley. She knows a lot.
Peer comment(s):
| agree |
pike
: Yes, this is still very "active", but does not sound like someone's drawing clues out of a hat...
11 mins
|
| agree |
nlingua
: This sounds pretty good tp me, unlike the original post which sounds like a voiceover in a noir film( hey maybe that was intentional)
14 mins
|
| agree |
cmwilliams (X)
16 mins
|
| agree |
humbird
: Yes Marian, the asker needs to rewrite like this.
18 mins
|
| agree |
Rajan Chopra
23 mins
|
| agree |
Alfa Trans (X)
38 mins
|
| agree |
Sonia Hill
40 mins
|
| agree |
airmailrpl
: good
4 hrs
|
+5
6 mins
these aresentence fragments
To give it a natural, native feel you should write in complete sentences, i.e., subject-verb-complement.
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Note added at 1 hr 7 mins (2004-05-17 16:33:04 GMT)
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film noir, eh...
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Note added at 1 hr 7 mins (2004-05-17 16:33:04 GMT)
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film noir, eh...
Peer comment(s):
| agree |
pike
12 mins
|
| agree |
Vicky Papaprodromou
15 mins
|
| agree |
cmwilliams (X)
18 mins
|
| agree |
Rajan Chopra
25 mins
|
| agree |
Alfa Trans (X)
39 mins
|
| neutral |
nlingua
: well yeah Nancylynn, I call them as I see them
2 hrs
|
2 hrs
John Wellesly Helliwell
Italy
Italy
Native in English
&
English
Italy
37 years of professional experience
Native in: English
Works in: German to English, English to German, Italian to English, and 2 more.
another suggestion
Cecille Landau, who was born in Hamburg, arrived at the ... Ghetto at the age of sixteen together with her mother and sister. She was the only one of them who miraculously survived. During this harrowing experience she met Chaim Rumkowski. Now, as an American writer living in Berkley, she has a wealth of knowledge.
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Note added at 2 hrs 58 mins (2004-05-17 18:24:25 GMT) Post-grading
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I would put the fact that she was born in Hamburg in a subordinate clause to the main sentence that she arrived at the age... etc.
Secondly, I think it is worth clarifying that she survived but her mother and sister didn\'t - it is doubtful that she was the ONLY survivor of the Ghetto.
*She met C R* hangs limply in the air unless it is somehow integrated into the rest of the context.
She knows a lot - sounds either a bit naive - or sinister.
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Note added at 2 hrs 58 mins (2004-05-17 18:24:25 GMT) Post-grading
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I would put the fact that she was born in Hamburg in a subordinate clause to the main sentence that she arrived at the age... etc.
Secondly, I think it is worth clarifying that she survived but her mother and sister didn\'t - it is doubtful that she was the ONLY survivor of the Ghetto.
*She met C R* hangs limply in the air unless it is somehow integrated into the rest of the context.
She knows a lot - sounds either a bit naive - or sinister.
Discussion
A medical student that time. Survived. Lives in Cologne.